by Brian

The Major League Baseball break is the most unique of the four major sports’ annual showcase of its stars.  Fans get a chance to watch their favorite 66 players perform in a game of monumental importance for two eventual teams after they get to soak in Chris Berman’s completely tired call of the Home Run Derby.  Admittedly, I thought Berman’s countless

incantations of the word “back” was chuckle-worthy when I was a devoted fan of the derby many years ago.  Now, like a decade of Eddie Murphy films in which he plays all the parts while bilking Americans out of their time and money, I think most of the baseball watching public listens to Berman’s calls with a pronounced, “again?” in their throats.

But MLB is decidedly different than its NFL, NBA, and NHL counterparts in that the break provides managers with a three day hiatus to evaluate their squads, to set pitching rotations for the second half of the year, and to beg their GMs to become buyers or sellers. No other sport’s break comes with it such a psychology, and this, along with about 4,000 other reasons, is what makes baseball the greatest sport on the planet.

No all-star break would be complete without the requisite “Mid-Season Awards” doled out by every media outlet this side of the First Amendment.  Let’s face it, Albert Pujols could go 0-August and still win the NL MVP; Tim Lincecum could cut the mullet and come back down to Earth, but if the Giants win the Wild Card, he’s going to win his second straight NL Cy Young; Joe Torre has to be the frontrunner for NL Manager of the Year after losing his best player to pregnancy leave and still leading his team to baseball’s best record.

Because the athletes aren’t exactly roaming around St. Louis with press credentials, we thought we’d provide this year’s “Mid-Season Almost Team Awards.”

Almost There Award (Washington Nationals)—With a stout 61 losses and a -108 run differential, the Nats are almost about to join a special fraternity (think Tri Lamb)

of 100-loss teams. In related news, the Nats fired Manny Acta (think euthanasia), so I’m sure they’re on the road to Wellville now.

Almost Relevant Award (given annually to the Minnesota Twins)—Don’t the Twins remind you of the loveable character in the teenage drama who you pray gets the girl only to be reminded that the hot girl doesn’t actually end up with the sensitive, bookish lad in the end?  Every year I find myself morbidly curious about the Twins because they have some all-star players (Mauer, Morneau), a fiery manager (Ron Gardenhire), and a trash bag wall in their outfield. And every year they just miss the playoffs or are bounced early. At least this year, thanks to a certain Mississippi based QB, Minnesota fans have a bit of a distraction from their eventual baseball failure.

Almost Feel Sorry For Them Award (New York Mets)—Here’s the thing. If this karmic, injury-plagued season had happened to any other team, save for the Yanks, fans around the league would probably huddle around water coolers or kegs and genuinely feel sorry for the Mets.

But it happened to the Mets.

The Mets—whose loud-mouthed shortstop has done exactly nothing to cement any kind of legacy for himself, unless you count excessive my-homerun-just-put-us-up-by-six-in-the-ninth celebrations.

The Mets—whose centerfielder played a little game of “pete-repeat” with the Phils’ Jimmy Rollins in the off-season only to be reminded, from the DL, that his Mets are, in fact, not the team to beat.

The Mets—whose manager threw Ryan Church under the bus for underperforming in his short stint as a Met (Church declined to comment, with class, as he boarded a plane to Hotlanta) after trading him to the Braves for the poster-boy for underachieving (and whining) Jeff Francoeur.

The Mets—whose self-serving, chest-thumping closer engaged in a war of words (through a translator, I assume) and one pre-game, outfield scuffle with a journeyman Yanks’ reliever who had the audacity to have an opinion about K-Rod.

The point is the Mets stink and somewhere the baseball gods are smiling.

Almost an Insurrection Award (Cleveland Indians)—Seriously, after the Tribe toyed with a loyal fan base with promises of turning the corner and contending, the brass in Cleveland might want to talk to LeBron about dumping the footage of this team’s season. Otherwise, fans in Cleveland might make Dawn of the Dead look like a Pixar film.

Almost Due For a Fire Sale (Florida Marlins)—Ah, the Florida sun. A competitive baseball team. Young, stud pitching. Yup, it’s almost fire sale time for the National League’s version of the Oakland A’s. Simply based on the alarming number of empty neon orange seats at LandShark Stadium, there’s no way the fish can continue to pay what has become one of the league’s most formidable starting rotations. So listen up, Josh Johnson, Ricky Nolasco, Andrew Miller, and Chris Volstad. Look to your left. Look to your right. None of you will be here for much longer.

Almost Forgot About Us Didn’t You Award (Texas Rangers/Milwaukee Brewers)—Anyone who tells you they picked these teams to be 1 ½ and 2 ½ games out of their respective divisions at the break should stop talking to you and head right to Vegas. The Rangers were a more viable pick at the beginning of the season simply because they rake and any team who hits like the Rangers, especially in the AL, is going to be a part of a division leader conversation. But the Brew Crew? After last year’s sprint to a first round exit (complete with selling off the farmhands for CC and firing an otherwise competent manager at the end of the regular season), even the most sage of baseball minds had to have figured the Brewers would return to the bottom of the NL Central where they belong. Both teams are good for the league and could add to a revolving playoff door, which sees more newcomers each year to offset some of the more regular party invitees.

Almost World Series Pick (Boston Red Sox)—Finally, I can’t resist.  The Boston Red Sox are clearly the best team in baseball, so though it goes against my Phillie Phandom, I have to pick the Sox to knock off the Phils in six games in this year’s Fall Classic.