Loading ...The “Greatest Offbeat Sports Movies” Depth Chart
This week’s depth chart is meant as a companion to our original Top 10 Sports Films of all time. However, we do admit that many of these titles weren’t chosen for their quality as much as for a loose connection to sports and a high “watchability” quotient. Therefore, the almostathletes are proud to present our Top 10 Offbeat Sports Films. Enjoy.
BENCH PLAYERS
10. The Program (1993): Honestly, this movie requires no write-up; it’s just plain awesome in the worst way. First, the original opening scene, which shows a couple of the football players “living on the edge” as they lay in front of on-coming traffic, was yanked (because kids tried doing that in real life), so you know this film has potential. The movie starts with QB Joe Kane failing to complete a game-winning TD pass in what appears to be a monsoon. That’s impossible; no game would go on in those conditions.
Kane is able!
Then, Kane turns to alcohol (that’s the family tradition apparently), which lands him in rehab during his junior, Heisman-hopeful campaign. And we can’t leave out Lattimer, who uses steroids until he goes on a roid-rage and attempts to rape the smallest girl ever. The most disturbing thing about this movie is the lack of conference identification. What conference are the ESU Timberwolves in? They play Iowa, Michigan, Mississippi State, and Georgia Tech, and then can still win a conference championship? Bottom line…Booze, sex, rehab, cheating, money, and college football…sounds like a recipe for success in our eyes.
9. Necessary Roughness (1991): Let’s throw out some names here: Scott Bakula, Hector Elizondo, a young and up-and-coming Jason Batemen, Sinbad, Rob Schneider and, of course, Kathy Ireland…how could this not be a good movie? The Texas State University Fightin’ Armadillos, on the verge of having their football program scrapped, call on Paul Blake – quarterback legend – to save them. Blake, 16 years removed from football, has to win with a rag-tag team that includes a female kicker (Ireland).
8. Side Out (1990): Who could ever forget the brilliant performances of Monroe Clark and Zack Barnes (played by C. Thomas Howell and Peter Horton, respectively) as they compete to be Kings of the Beach in this unsung, albeit silly, classic? Anyone out there who thinks that a movie about beach volleyball couldn’t possibly be fun doesn’t deserve to read this blog and should probably be smacked with a flip-flop. Anyway, there was a time when this sport was somewhat hot, and this was the film that was supposed to cash in on the hype. It didn’t work, but still, with a supporting cast including Tony Burton (you know, the guy who played Apollo and Rocky’s trainer in all the Rocky films) and Terry Kiser (you know, Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s), how could it go wrong? People will be stunned to see Kiser playing anything but dead. Revisiting this gem will undoubtedly have everyone spiking their remotes into the set. It’s also worth mentioning that Barnes and Clark’s adversaries were played by none other than real Kings of the Beach at the time (and probably the most popular volleyball players ever) Sinjin Smith and Randy Stoklos.
7. Airborne (1993)—First of all, it’s worth noting that Dave and I basically had to arm-wrestle each other for the right to cover this film. I mean where to begin? The film is set in Cincinnati, Ohio where young Mitch Goosen has just landed, fish-out-of-water style, from southern California.
I got a real problem with you, bra...
An avid surfer, rollerblader, and wordsmith (he prefers using ‘bra’ instead of ‘bro’), Mitch is forced to live and learn with his nerdy cousin, Wiley, played awfully by Seth Green, while trying to navigate through his new school, replete with a mistrustful and territorial mob of, you guessed it, rollerblading hockey players, one of whom is played by a young but still fat and talentless Jack Black. Just when the acrimony reaches a fevered pitch after Mitch has the audacity to date the head hockey player’s sister, the skating Montagues and Capulets are forced to put their blades together in an asinine competition with a neighboring school down a treacherous, but clearly displaced, hill for the right to brag about…well, living, I guess. These guys deservingly “shred” their way to number 7 on our list.
THE SIXTH MAN
6. Varsity Blues (1999): This movie is an easy choice. First, everyone at AlmostAthletes.com loves this movie – but let us break it down. First, after Billy Bob falls to the ground and pretty much has an aneurism, he goes to the nurse’s office and just sleeps it off? And then practices the same day? And before a game nonetheless? Second, after Wendall Brown BLOWS HIS HAMSTRING, West Canaan Coyotes head coach Bud Kilmer tries to get him to take a cortisone shot for it? What?
One of the greatest scenes ever!
His hamstring is torn, how would cortisone help? Not to mention, the team tries to fight him, and then he attacks his QB Jonathon “Mox” Moxon, after he benches him. However, until this point, one could say, “Hey, it’s a movie that’s why!” – So here we go. After Kilmer quits in the second half, the team plays without him and goes on to win?!? What? No one questioned why the injured 1st-string QB was calling the plays? No offensive coordinator? No defensive coordinator? Or QB’s coach? Or any type of coach whatsoever? And how does the opposing team or officials not notice this? They are just cool with a high school kid coaching a team that is fresh off a mutiny? With more questions than answers, Varsity Blues cements itself in the middle of our list.
THE STARTING FIVE
5. White Men Can’t Jump (1992): At the behest of several almost readers, we had to include this biracial bro-mance film on our list. Again, as is the case with so many films from the 90s, the premise is downright silly.
Who woudn't want to dress this like?
Let me get this straight: Two basketball hustlers take over southern California in a far-reaching two-on-two revolving door tournament that goes totally unpoliced for months. Throw in a Woody Harrelson mob snafu, an obsessive Rosie Perez cramming for her shot at glory on Jeopardy, and Wesley Snipes (before all that pesky tax evasion nonsense) dressed like this throughout the movie and we defy anyone to question its placement at #5 on our list.
4. Over the Top (1987): “Winner takes it all, ‘til he breaks the fall, in time he’ll make it over the top.” The thunderous words of Sammy Hagar boom through this Sly Stallone film about World Championship Arm-Wrestling. Who knew that the preferred sport of truckers was trying to rip one another’s arms off in a regulated competition showcased on ESPN? What a hilarious premise! Stallone plays Lincoln Hawk (one of the best character names in film history) as the underdog arm-grappler, and the box cover of this guilty pleasure actually reads, “Rocky, Rambo, Cobra, and now Hawk, in the biggest fight of his life.” It’s all just too much to take, and while we could go on about this ridiculous film all day, suffice it to state that while there’s no way Sly would ever win a match against the Bull Hurley character (a huge and real arm wrestler), Over the Top is packed with classic moments. Furthermore, any guy who has never used the patented “over the top” method of swinging the index and middle fingers over the thumb to gain leverage in an arm-wrestling match should be stripped of his man-card.
3. Teen Wolf (1985)–What do you think director Rob Daniel was thinking when he put this together? I hope I make enough to move out of my studio apartment? Who won’t love this heartwarming tale of redemption? How can I work the word ‘boof’ into my film? Whatever the brainstorm, the result is pure magic. Teen Wolf really is a smorgasbord of teen angst rolled into 91 minutes—unrequited love, the girl next door, teenaged hierarchy, seven minutes in heaven, hoop dreams, and, of course, werewolfism.
It's just your friendly neighborhood werewolf who loves to party and shoot hoops.
However, there are two more reasons to love this movie. First, during an alcohol induced conversation at the old Top Dog years ago, our crew actually cast the whole film using only our friends and girlfriends and then made plans to perform it at the Dell in Haddon Heights. How many movies can you say that about? Second, and more importantly, check out this clip of the final game and keep score. That’s right, I did.
2. The Karate Kid (1984): “Put him in a body bag,” “Sweep the leg,” the list goes on and on. This fun and actually heartwarming tale about Daniel Larusso (Ralph Macchio) standing up to high school bullies through the use of the martial arts, with the aid of wise old Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) is a true classic (admittedly unlike some of the other films on this list). We would actually be willing to travel the globe and personally crane kick anyone who says differently. No one will ever be able to forget the Cobra Kai, Mr. Miyagi’s bizarre training methods, Ali Mills (Elisabeth Shue), the soundtrack (who doesn’t think of this film when they hear Bananarama’s “Cruel Summer?”), and of course, the aforementioned crane technique. “If used properly, no can defense.” Again, any man between the ages of 25 and 40 who never used this awe-inspiring move is obviously an enormous sissy.
1. Caddyshack (1980)—I’m not sure there could be any debate on this one. What makes this farce so beloved is a flawless recipe of its infinite quote-ability (Cinderella story…outta nowhere…a former groundskeeper, now, about to become…the Masters Champion…It’s in the hole!), its inclusion of a wily gopher wreaking havoc on Bushwood Country Club, and its comic Mt. Rushmore (Knight, Chase, Dangerfield, Murray) unrivaled by any other comedy before or since. However, what makes Caddyshack so transcendent is the fact that guys of all ages can watch the film and think, “this reminds me so much of me and my friends.” Everyone knows a Carl Spackler, wishes they knew a Ty Webb, hates a judge Smails, and pines for a Lacey Underall at some point in their formative years. On the cusp of its 30th anniversary, the story of a bunch of loveable miscreants running amok at a country club is still as relevant now as it ever was, and so it takes its rightful place atop our depth chart.
Quite possibly Bill Murray's greatest role.
You should have put Back to School on here as it could loosely be a “diving” movie..Diving is a sport I guess cause it’s in the Olympics.
Well I hope this list is a joke to begin with which I’m pretty sure it is but Vision Quest needs to start getting some respect. Madonna sings in the movie what more do you want.
What about Kingpin or The Big Lebowski. If arm wrestling and rollerblading get the limelight why not bowling, and I thought this was an equel oppurtunity website
About time Over the Top gets the respect it deserves.
is that mike demoan from “fast times at ridgemont high” who is wearing all the flair, the orange hat, and watching intently the results of the high school game because of a bet he made in “teenwolf”?
So I guess there was a coin flip to decide between The Program and Blue Chips. “It’s more than just watching the tube!” And c’mon, The Last Boy Scout!!! Billy Blanks on PCP shooting everyone on his way to a score and celebratory touchdown suicide!!! It’s what the XFL should’ve been!
I love that Airborne and Over the Top are on there. 2 movies i cant stop watching once they are on.