Loading ...ALL HAIL…The Female Uniform!
Because the Almostathletes are proud to be on the cutting edge of all things trendy, we’ll bring our readers an All Hail section every month, which will celebrate collectively what we all love individually. As always, we welcome your input for future All Hails and thank you for being an Almost reader.
The Sundress: The course of human history boasts very few truly iconic developments, advancements, or innovations worthy of doctoral dissertations, Nobel Peace Prizes or text book publication.
"Go ahead guys. I’m wearing this because I want you to look.”
Sure, there’s penicillin, nuclear physics, and the internet, but each of those landmark inventions has sort of receded into the background of their respective fields without the fanfare they once enjoyed at their inception. Well, my friends, the same cannot be said for the greatest fashion development of the last 60 years—the sundress. Popularized by socialite Lilly Pulitzer (surname coincidence? I think not) in the 1960s, the sundress revolutionized chic femininity (for the gals) and casual looks askance (for the fellas) in one fell swoop. No other fashion statement has ever been met with less controversy, less negativity, or less to the imagination than that which comes with the sundress. In short, everyone loves the sundress.
The perfection and generational transcendence of the sundress is no mystery. For women, the sundress provides an air of confidence, exudes a classy sexiness, and allows for compliments that are more genuinely expressed than women would receive should they be wearing, say, “daisy dukes.” Worn to a cocktail party, a wedding shower, or a Bat Mitzvah, the dress’ versatility cannot be rivaled by anything else in the collective female closet. Ah, but for the men, the dress is emblematic of so much more. Because of designers’ insistence on making the dress form fitting, ogle-happy men everywhere need only a sly glance to see what kind of figure is underneath the dress. Moreover, the dress speaks to a more refined wearer, and, as far as I’m concerned, such sophistication is far more sexy than short shorts, thong exposure, or even a close sundress rival, the halter top.
So, ladies, keep slipping those paper thin dresses over yourselves on your way to Starbucks, the ballpark, or the beach because behind every good sundress is a man willing to look at it.
“Yes, I’m already young and attractive, but wearing this hat will make Sieck like me.”
Chicks Who Wear Hats: Joe Cocker said it best in the song written by Randy Newman that was made popular in the film “9 ½ Weeks,” when he simply stated, “You can leave your hat on.” Granted, not every woman can pull it off, but there’s an almost one hundred percent chance that if a female dons a hat between the ages of eighteen and forty-five, then she is most likely incredibly hot. I don’t think I have ever seen this theory disproven in my short lifetime. I don’t care what kind of hat it is, either. It could be a cowboy hat, baseball cap, top hat, derby, ski cap, fedora, beanie, or even a Carmen Miranda fruit hat, it doesn’t matter. There’s just something about a girl who decides to throw on a lid as a part of her ensemble that just exudes confidence and sex appeal.
If anyone is looking for empirical cinematic proof, just take a look at Lena Olin’s routine in The Unbearable Lightness of Being. That should be proof enough, but any self-respecting man shouldn’t even need film examples. Sure, I’ll bet it’s something that often goes unnoticed, but guys should pay special attention the next time they’re out and about, because hot ladies in caps are everywhere. I could cite numerous more personal examples such as experiences at concerts, strip clubs, porn conventions, or even a local baseball game, but suffice it to say that I’m ready to exclaim, “All hail the fine females in hats, because despite the rather daring fashion maneuver, it’s working for all of them.”
Booty shorts: These comfortable, yet elegant, bottoms separate the women from the girls. How could you go wrong with something that started out as lace underwear? Whether worn under a short dress, with a football jersey, or a tank top, booty shorts are as close to naked as a female can get without actually leaving her house with no pants on. Casual enough to wear to a ball game, comfortable enough to wear to the gym, and yet still classy enough to wear to a club – the booty shorts defy all the rules of fashion.
Very nice...
In all different materials and colors, the booty shorts leave absolutely nothing to the imagination (especially in a color other than black). Although made famous by women like Vida Guerra and Kim Kardashian, your everyday Sarah-plain-and-tall looks like she is straight out of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue when sporting this look. Still unsure about just how good booty shorts are? Check out this scene from the movie Death Proof – and that’s booty shorts in their “conservative” khaki form. Imagine if that had been in its more seductive, lace format…WOW. In short, when a female has the option to wear out in public what she has just worn to bed the night before – well that’s just fantastic in our book.
If a chick were to wear a sundress with a hat and booty shorts would she be the hottest dressed chick ever?
Booty shorts are like kryptonite, and a football jersey with booty shorts is what i imagine heavens dress code to be.