For each of Eagles’ coach Andy Reid’s eleven years at the helm of a team incapable of winning a championship, fans have sat on a proverbial fence painted midnight green and not-so-pure white.  Some laud the oratorical master for his steadfast devotion to his players while simultaneously spitting on the media members paid to cover his team.  Others lambaste the coach for his pass-happy offense predicated on an adherence to the West Coast offense as he desperately, and quite pathetically, tries to unseat former Niners’ great Bill Walsh as the progenitor of the scheme. 

            However, as the Birds look toward week three and the Kansas City Chiefs, Reid can bask in his new role as the 21^st century’s first three headed monster of head coach/general manager and…

            Vaudeville director.

            With an eclectic, and admittedly criminal, collection of quarterbacks from which to choose each week, Reid and his pocket-protector brandishing sidekick, Joe Banner, can sit back and pull the strings on the most dysfunctional quarterbacking quartet in NFL  history.

            Ya’ gotta be proud.

            Popularized in the late 19^th and early 20^th century, Vaudeville acts roamed parts of the US and Canada while boasting a virtual smorgasbord of entertainment.  On any given night, revelers could expect to see a magic act, trained animals, wandering minstrels, overthrown receivers…oh, wait.  Vaudevillians didn’t make much money but became a part of the cultural landscape nonetheless and many of our modern day variety shows owe their platform to their nomadic predecessors.

            Never, however, has such a platform lent itself to the most important position in all of sports. That is until Big Red put his stamp on it. 

            The Players

            1. Donovan McNabb—Playing the role of the “star” of the show is our fair city’s adequate-and-that’s-all-he-can-be starting quarterback.

Able to smile on cue, tap dance out of the way of would-be tacklers, alienate himself and teammates, and vomit for dramatic effect, D Mac has earned his position as this Vaudeville’s headliner.  With flashes of brilliance peppered with a touch of inconsistency and topped off with an air of entitlement, McNabb scoffs at any suggestion that any of his castmates is hot for his spot.  After all, chicks only dig the star of the show, right?

            2. Kevin Kolb—Every act has to have its straight man (and according to TO that can’t be Jeff Garcia), so Kolb has blossomed nicely into his role as the protégé of McNabb’s mentorship.  Fans will come to the show equipped with as many boos as cheers and as many tomatoes as roses in hopeful anticipation of seeing what the understudy has up his sleeve each week.  Will he take the old “break a leg” adage too literally and find himself on the outside looking in or is it his hand that’s ready to pull the string that sends a bucketful of hammers onto his mentor’s head?  Hilarity is sure to ensue whenever these two professionals are on the stage at the same time.

            3. Mike Vick—Of course, no act would be complete without the mustache-twisting villain who comes equipped with his own evil soundtrack.

However, like any good villain (think the Joker without intellect, ingenuity, wit, charm, you get the point) worth his weight in arrest warrants, Vick will garner the support of that bizarre faction of people who actually wants to see the villain tie the damsel in distress to the train tracks and slink away unnoticed.  The only problem for Vick is he’s already been noticed by local and state authorities, so the chances of seeing him get away as the Eagles’ starting quarterback are pretty slim.  Regardless, Vick’s yin to McNabb’s yang is certainly worth the price of admission (ticket prices for this Vaudevillian masterpiece start at only five sawbucks).

            4. Jeff Garcia—Aw, the loveable loser.  In several past performances, this also-ran player probably won over the crowd with his tough-as-nails approach to the game and his effusive excitement for every touchdown pass.

Sadly, performers like this are often trying to suck the marrow out of a bone long since run dry, and despite the fact that the audience will still pay to see him, everyone in attendance knows he’s only on stage to remind us of his alternatives.

            Luckily for Birds’ Nation, this traveling band of miscreants, ne’er-do-wells, and Prince Charming-in-trainings can be appreciated for free from the cheap seats inside our living rooms.  Now, we can all just kick back, wait for the players to hit their marks, and revel in the comedic stylings of this century’s foremost Vaudevillian genius, Andrew Walter Reid.

One Response to “Big Red Adds ‘Vaudeville’ To Eagles’ Playbook”

1. Jay Bird says:

   09/26/2009 at 11:21 pm

   The Eagles just need to come out and play aggressive football. They need to attack the way a drunken Gaffney attacks a pizza from Santini’s at 1 AM- relentless, focused, and showing no mercy.