Brian: Though I haven’t been to nearly as many concerts as our fellow almost athlete, Sieck, I am proud to say that I’ve been able to take away something memorable from each of the twenty or thirty I’ve been to.  There was the DMB monsoon tailgate in Camden, the sneaky surprise guests (Buffalo Tom and Catherine Wheel) at the Horde Festival, and the mind-blowing Jeff Buckley set when he opened for Juliana Hatfield.

"Drink up, my minions! Perry will take care of the rest."

Rarely have I been outright disappointed in a show because a poor setlist can be offset by a raging tailgate just as often as the set can make up for a lame pre-party.  Luckily for me, my concert-going crew has been the same for about fifteen years, so we know how to take care of business in the parking lot.

My introduction to Porno for Pyros/Jane’s Addiction happened rather abruptly.  While I had heard of Perry Farrell’s various musical incarnations, I’d never owned one of his band’s albums or could name one of his more famous songs.  That all changed when a friend of the almostathletes, affectionately known as Zooz, rounded up the fellas for an impromptu, free Porno for Pyros concert at what is now the Susquehanna Bank Center in Camden.

I don’t think any of us had any idea what we were in for.

Farrell’s stage presence was, in a word, enthralling.  In fact, I’d only put former Afghan Whigs frontman, Greg Dulli, up against Farrell in terms of his ability to captivate a crowd, to author the perfect setlist, and to leave every member of the eclectic audience wanting just one more song.  Again, because of my total lack of Porno for Pyros experience, which is the only reason this concert appears in an Almost section, I really couldn’t do much but bob my head and soak in Farrell’s ambiance.

Sadly, I was so naïve that I was unaware the band had broken into an old Jane’s Addiction staple, “Jane Says,” in their encore.  But that didn’t stop me from instantly becoming a fan of the band during that song (in fact, my wife and I had our wedding band play “Jane Says” upon our entrance) because Farrell had effectively created a Caligulaesque atmosphere on stage.

Topless women.

Fire breathers.

Yoga.

Acrobatics.

Check and Check.

Farrell careened from one side of the stage to the other. He stopped and made out with one of the dancers.  He breathed fire. He dry humped the set.  And the most amazing part of the performance was that we all felt like this was commonplace for Farrell—the energy and showmanship weren’t disingenuous; they were just him.

I bought both Jane’s Addiction’s Nothing’s Shocking and Porno for Pyros’ Good God’s Urge the next day.

And I’ve been a fan ever since.

"Yep...I am one WEIRD dude."

Sieck: Tool – First Union Center in Philadelphia: After actually finding the ticket stub for this show I was shocked to see that it took place this long ago, which means I’m getting ostensibly older, but on the cool night of September 27, 2001, I had the privilege to go see the great the metal band, Tool, led by the enigmatic Maynard James Keenan. This was ashamedly my first time seeing the band even though I have been a fan since their first full-length album Undertow was released in 1993. So, it was after eight long years of anticipation, and knowing that the band had three incredible albums to draw from that I excitedly cruised into the large stadium that is the (at the time) First Union Center (home to the Flyers and Sixers) with a handful of friends and a slight buzz in tow, to await was to be, in my mind, an amazing show. What eventually followed was… well, not quite what I had in mind, even despite the fact that I possessed the knowledge that Tool was a touch on the bizarre side.

I had never heard anything about Tool’s stage show, but I was expecting something wild considering Keenan’s propensity for peculiarity. Yes, it was strange, but not in a good way. As the set opened, we were treated to a large video screen taking center stage, flanked by Maynard and drummer Danny Carey on raised platforms. The video screen projected images throughout the show that while visually stimulating were also completely random and nonsensical. However, here’s the truly puzzling and distressing thing: Maynard never really showed himself! He was silhouetted by backlighting while facing the side of the stage and he really never stepped out of the shadows, and he rarely moved. A couple of times a change in the lighting revealed the singer in nothing but a green speedo, which was equally disconcerting. The bottom line is that the band simply lurked in the shadows the whole show and treated the crowd to a bizarre light show instead of presenting themselves and rocking out. I later learned that Keenan considers performing his songs a very personal journey and prefers to remain hidden. Well, I don’t really prefer it (save for the obscuring of said speedo) when I’m paying forty bucks a pop to seem them, and while I’m not an advocate of psychedelic drugs, I found myself wishing that was tripping my face off. Now, I know I haven’t talked about the music yet, but that was the real problem. I probably would not have had a major complaint about the show if the set was up-tempo. Even realizing that their latest album at the time (Lateralus) was a touch more plodding than the previous two, I figured they would spice up their live act for the fans… This sadly wasn’t the case. At times, the band would even go so far as to stay silent while say, one strum of the bass guitar, for example, would boringly reverberate on its own for minutes while the audience would be treated to a couple of acrobats repelling from the ceiling and performing some kind of Cirque du Soleil act. If I wanted that, I would go to Vegas and in the end I simply realized the whole spectacle to be excruciating and somewhat dull. However, having said that, I can’t say the experience in itself was totally uninteresting and I still love Tool’s music to this day. That’s why it was almost a good concert.

Dave: Well it seems both of my colleagues have me beaten on this one by a large margin.  I have only been to about six concerts.  I guess I was never the concert type.  However, what I do know is how NOT to act at a concert – allow me to explain three simple things to NOT do.  First, mosh-pits are not cool.  I have never been involved in them and I will never be.  I don’t understand how you celebrate a good song by throwing yourself into other men.  Second…brawling – very similar to moshing except this is in no way a form of “dancing” or “music appreciation.”  While I understand sometimes someone you are with might violate this one and your hand becomes forced, I can’t see how a concert becomes more fun after you have pummeled another human being.  Again, how do you enjoy your “favorite band”

I can't think of anything more fun than this...

(because we will assume you came to this concert to hear them play) by destroying another person’s face and getting escorted out  by security?   “Hey man, how was that concert?”  “Awesome, they played my favorite song so I broke some guy’s nose and rib and spent the rest of the night in the parking lot avoiding the police….great time!”

And finally…don’t act like a hippy.  Woodstock isn’t being resurrected at any concerts these days, so there is no need for dressing like a hobo, peddling balloons full of helium for all the derelicts of society to try, and touching people of the same sex that you do not know…nor is there any reason to approach someone of the same sex and start chatting with them simply because you feel you have something in common with them just because you are both there to see the same band.  Not the case.  So next time you get ready to check out your favorite band, just remember: you are there to enjoy yourself and the music with or without your friends…and that’s where it ends.