Loading ...Almost Punchable Celebrities
Sieck: Tom Cruise—I can admit it. I think his movies are great. In fact, there are very few that I don’t like. He’s actually an underrated actor. I recently watched Valkyrie and thought it was great. I was also completely surprised by his comedic turn in Tropic Thunder which I also recently saw. The list goes on and on: Born on the Fourth of July, A Few Good Men, Risky Business, etc. I was actually even inspired to dress up as his Risky Business character Joel Goodsen for Halloween one year (yes, the famous Bob Seger scene).
"Can you believe how annoying I am?"
However, off screen, Cruise is an annoying, smug creep. The Scientology nonsense is totally out of hand. This guy not only decided to follow a religion that was completely invented in the 20th century by a failed science-fiction writer (L. Ron Hubbard), but he now believes that he’s the leader of it. This guy walks around like he’s Jesus Christ or something and tries to tell others how to live their lives. I read a book not too long ago about a writer for Rolling Stone (Neil Strauss), and when he had to interview Cruise, he basically made it seem like the guy walked around like some kind of demigod who believed he could literally do anything. Confidence is good, but this was something else. This was delusional. I wouldn’t be surprised if Cruise thinks he can fly. Additionally, his behavior is just bizarre. The whole jumping on the furniture thing during The Oprah Winfrey Show was ridiculous and is just one recent example in a long line of Tomfoolery. He married Katie Holmes after what seemed to me as a much-brushed-under-the-carpet divorce with Nicole Kidman, and now appears to be keeping Holmes locked away somewhere. It’s not good to keep Holmes locked away. Anyone who has seen The Gift knows that. Also, his berating of Matt Lauer on the Today Show over the topic of postpartum depression was indefensible but showed a true glimpse into what kind of maniac Cruise actually is. I’m sure if I ever met the guy, I would have to fight the urge to continually punch him square in the face.
Dave: Ashton Kutcher—There have been countless occasions that I have wandered off into some form of day-dream that, at some point, I fight him. It’s not even that I dislike him as a person (I don’t know him so I won’t go that far with it), but his persona really grinds my gears. The idea that some kid, who did nothing but play a stoner/moron on That 70’s Show and single-handedly destroy the idea of wearing mesh-backed hats, could be an A-List celebrity makes me sick to my stomach. Oh, and I almost forgot, he had the intellectual insight to create that crazy show Punked…hand him the Nobel immediately. The guy can’t make a good movie – with the exception of The Butterfly Effect – (Dude, Where’s My Car doesn’t even count because he played himself under a different name in that flick), and, since he is a bad actor, he has no business being the talk of Hollywood…ever.
A message to the American public: You have been PUNKED! This man is not a good actor and is an even worse human being...we must destroy him and all that he stands for.
And he is so popular that the only girl he could land long-term was Demi Moore? Please. Let me tell you something, if Bruce Willis is over it, it isn’t anything special. I think the straw that broke that camel’s back here was when I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher (there honestly wasn’t anything else on and The Hulk was scheduled to come on right after it) and he was on the panel. They were “tackling” the idea of health care and I remember seeing Kutcher and thinking “did he become a scholar or something…why is he on this show?” He wasn’t talking much, and when he did, the two other guests (who had functional brains) shut him down. Finally, he got the floor and said something like, “Americans who don’t have health care complain about health care, so if you don’t have it, just find a job and get it.” The crowd went nuts and Bill Maher (tool) couldn’t stop laughing…I thought “is this really the world we live in?” At that point I went upstairs, filled up my tub, and got a toaster – all plugged in and ready to go – and right before I got into the tub with said toaster I had a vision: me punching Kutcher right in the face and Scarlett Johansson wanting to marry me because of it. All was right with the world again.
Brian: Brad Garrett—This decision took approximately .0001 seconds because such visions of violent grandeur have been in my head since I mistakenly flipped past Everyone Loves Raymond some ten years ago. Now, I know the show won something like a gazillion Emmys and that Garrett himself took home three statues, but I refuse to tab this man as anything but a hack. Fast forward several years and as my love for poker grew so too did my WSOP viewing, which, sadly, included an increasingly visible/audible Garrett. Forget for a second that he’s done exactly nothing of note since Raymond, unless you count his hilarious voice-over work for a host of family-friendly films (Unstable Fables: 3 Pigs & a Baby, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian et al), and focus on the fact that other than being tall (6’8) and bass (hereditary not skillful) and you might just end up in line with me to punch this doofus.
Right...in...the...face
Watching him ham it up on the WSOP or during the National Heads Up Poker Championship does nothing but make me change the channel. Even then, he finds a way to yell something uproariously unfunny, ya’ know because of the deep voice and all, so the cameras have to find him. Better yet is when he and fellow unfunny, but very rich, buddy Ray Romano yuk it up with side bets, elbow jab about being unshaven, or knee slap about their respective Pixar careers. (Side rant: Twice on the WSOP did an actor refer to his former work during hands, which I found totally self-serving and a bit pitiful. During a hand with Greg Raymer, Seinfeld’s Jason Alexander answered a question as George Costanza, which reminded fans of the show just how irrelevant he is nowadays. Later, in the running for the coveted “he’s-still-alive?” award, former Brat Pack wannabe Lou Diamond Phillips briefly sang “La Bamba” after winning a hand. Both are clear violations and never would have happened if Brad Garrett wasn’t in the event. Okay, maybe not, but that’s how much I hate Garrett). There are so many people who belong on such a nefarious list of punchable celebrities, but at the top belongs the man with the deep voice. And that’s pretty much it.
All three are extremely punchable, but I’d have to say the celebrity I would rather sock in the face would have to be Steve Carell. He was decent in Anchorman, but it was all garbage after that, he’s as over-rated as Dane Cook with the comedic stylings of a grapefruit. Punched.
love the brad garrett pick Kool…he is brutal and to Jason Alexander’s defense..Raymer asked him something like, “what would george say in times like this” so he was egged on to say something. But i did see that WSOP episode.
I would have laid money that Ashton Kutcher would have been yours Bri.