This week’s depth chart is a compilation of the Best Sports Video Games in the history of video games.  These games were chosen strictly for the amount of fun a person could have by playing them (and the impact they had on our childhood).  So, without further ado, almostathletes.com is proud to present our Top 10 Best Sports Video Games…please enjoy.

THE BENCH PLAYERS

10. Karate Champ: And to think, the fact that we here at Almost Athletes almost left this classic off the list in favor of FIFA, should be reason enough for us to turn in our pens, remotes, joysticks, and whatever else and call it quits. See, soccer is a great sport to play, but that’s it. Video games of the sport are probably unnecessary… but we digress. Anyway, while there are plenty of stupendous old-school, martial-arts-inspired games out there, they all tended to lean more towards the adventure side of the video game spectrum. That is, except for Karate Champ. Never before has there been such a competitive clash between good and evil and color schemes as when two identical (save for the red and white uniforms), pixilated masters of the black belt square off in a heated Karate Kid-style match. This game existed in many forms, including Nintendo, but it was best in the original arcade version, as two joysticks controlled all the action, instead of buttons. One of our favorite moves was the spinning back kick, achieved by laterally pulling the sticks apart in the opposite direction. Of course, in between bouts there were also challenges such as breaking boards and inexplicably dodging charging bulls. Man, the ‘80s were great. However, perhaps the greatest part of this game lies in the long-haired, Mr.-Van-Driessen-looking referee that could be found anywhere, from the desert to the back alleys of the tough city streets.

Boonshwale? Who cares? That’s one of us dunking on you!

9. Double Dribble: Japan’s Konami Production Company is one of the most widely recognized in all of video gamedom, and 1986’s release of Double Dribble may have helped put it on the map.  Simplistic and a bit cheesy graphically speaking, the game-play of this hoops classic is what endears it to millions of fans.  Not only is there a cutaway scene during a player’s dunk attempt, but astute gamers quickly found two sweet spots on the court, one on each side, at which you could jack threes to the tune of a 90% shooting percentage.  The halftime shows include some crudely constructed mascots (my favorite of which is the Lakers’, which is simply an oblong blue face meant to represent, well, a lake) and a scintillating cheerleading spectacle.  Finally, the game features at least two verbal commands.  The first of which, “Double Dribble,” is rumored to have been voiced by my boy Michael Jordan, and the second is some garbled word uttered after a foul that sounds like “Boonshwale.”  Though oddly named after something players can’t do during the game, Double Dribble is clearly one of the best hoops games of all time.

8. Baseball Stars: To my utter disappointment, Dave and Sieck had never played this game, arguably the greatest baseball game ever made, produced by Japanese juggernaut, SNK.  Literally a full decade ahead of its time (1989), the game is one of the first that featured data memory, making it possible for gamers to enjoy an entire season along with its accompanying stats for all players.  To revolutionize the genre even further, Stars allows players to create a team, name its players, and allocate salaries and payroll (starting at $30,000), which increases with every team win.  After winning a game and collecting a paycheck, gamers can upgrade their rosters by assigning dollar amounts to a player’s skill set.  Better still is the fact that one of the default teams consists of the MLB’s greatest stars (only referred to by first names to avoid copyright infractions).  Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, Sandy Koufax and Cy Young are all on the same roster and man are they hard to beat.  If you ever get the chance to rent or buy this game, you’ll play its 125 game season with the same fervor you apply to following a 162 game major league season.

You wouldn't want to run into any of these fine gentlemen on the streets

7. Super Dodgeball: Fat kids need not apply. While this phenomenal game may bring back harsh memories for the weight-challenged youngsters out there who sadly never saw an opportunity for school bullies to peg them in the head with a volley ball during gym class squandered, this one is still a gem. Imagine the brilliance behind the concept of a group of bulky, blinking players traversing the globe to throttle different creeds and cultures by pegging a ball at opposing players with pinpoint precision and obscene speed. It was almost like the video game version of the Cold War. Mastering the tactic of running, jumping and throwing the ball while in mid-air was a badge of honor, and those who could pull it off proudly represented Team USA. In fact, there’s even a certain member of this site who got visibly upset when a certain family member beat him at this game. However, that’s a story for another time.

THE SIXTH MAN

6. NFL ’95: If you can’t play tecmo, this is the next best thing.  NFL ’95 took football to the next level by introducing forced trades, the spin move that repelled tacklers, a burst of speed (not to be confused with today’s speed burst that implies the player is running his fastest) that lasted for 1.5 seconds, and the famous 10-yard dive (press “C” and watch your player superman it from the 10 yard line into the endzone).  None could match what NFL ’95 was truly famous for…trash talk.  With catchy lines of harassment like “I own you!” and “This my turf!” and the best one, “Somebody call an ambulance!” (which really did happen if players got hurt), it makes NFL ’95 one of the best.  There were only two real downsides to this game: (1) somehow Mel Gray was faster than Barry Sanders, and a much better RB overall, and (2) Jerry Rice, if lined up as a gunner in your punt formation, would catch the ball EVERY SINGLE TIME on a fake punt out of said formation (I found that out the hard way too).  Other than that, you are looking at a game that set a new bar for future football games to come.

THE STARTING FIVE

5. NBA Jam: The first successful game to come from the arcade into your living room, NBA Jam defined fictional basketball.  A perilous journey that was a 2-2 tournament against the best of each NBA team, it showed basketball in a whole new light.  With basketballs bursting into flames (because your player was “on fire”), spectacular dunks (that only could be stopped by timing out your jump and robbing the ball from the player in mid air), aggressive defense, and the phrase “Boom-shak-alaka,” there was no way this game could go wrong.  Players could dunk from half-court, knock players into a daze off a steal, bury the three off an inbound pass, and burn the place down if they weren’t missing.  No contracts, no rules, no injuries, no fire hazards…just plain fun.

The standard for all hockey games to come...

4. NHL ’96: The next best thing after Blades of Steel as far as hockey is concerned.  People who didn’t even like hockey loved to play this game.   It was so great, they used it as the foundation of a movie (Swingers – they played it during their pregames and everybody knows, you don’t have a good night without a good pregame).  With the unstoppable force that was the Blackhawks with Chris Chelios and Jeremy Roenick, and the new team of the Colorodo Avalanche with Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg, and everyone’s favorite, Patrick Roy (properly pronounced as Patrick “Wa”) – this game was the be all, end all of hockey.  It prided itself on things like the realistic one-timer, hard checks, fights (in which you could make the opposition’s head bleed), and of course – the break-away shot that never failed (as long as you went down the side, behind the net, and then back-handed it in as you back in front of the net).  A truly fun hockey game for kids and adults of all ages.

Introducing...fighting in a sports game

3. Blades of Steel: Sure, some of us actually remember playing Ice Hockey for the Atari 2600 (two-on-two, and actually without a discernible, visual net). There was even the NES version of Ice Hockey with the fat and skinny players, but it wasn’t until the fine folks at Konami mercifully released this masterpiece that real, five-on-five hockey could be realized on a home video game system. Yes, the newer games certainly have more style, flair and accuracy, but Blades of Steel is still arguably the greatest video game for the sport. Consisting of an eight-team (city) league, two squads squared off to cool (at the time) voice sampling that simply boomed, “FACEOFF!” and the game was underway, complete with penalty shots and way-ahead-of-its-time shootouts. One great part of the game is that, due to a glitch, shooting from a certain spot at the bottom of the faceoff circle always resulted in a goal (see also Double Dribble). However, the best part of this game was, naturally, the fighting. This was back when video game producers weren’t pansies and wouldn’t cave to societal pressure, so that kids could get some realism in their games. Of course, not so realistic is that the loser of the fight would get a penalty and the winner wouldn’t, thus creating a power play. Last time we checked, that’s not how it works in the pros. Otherwise, Donald Brashear would be a lock for the Hall of Fame.

When all else fails...remember to zig zag and no one will catch you.

2. Tecmo Super Bowl: Quite possibly the greatest football game ever created.  They broke the mold when they made this game.  Tecmo was the first of its kind to allow players to play as all 28 teams (pre-expansion teams), start a real-life, full season (and deal with injuries), customize your own playbook and depth chart, and most importantly, allow players to make plays (prior this game, if the receiver was covered, it was a pick).  Tecmo also had its perfect little imperfections.  Bruce Smith, a defensive end, was apparently the fastest player in the NFL; slow quarterbacks couldn’t execute certain plays from under center; the special teams personnel consisted of offensive and defensive starters (including your QB who was on the frontline of the return team); a kickoff or punt could go from endzone to endzone (and would run at least two out of the five minutes per quarter off the clock); and certain players who recovered fumbles just couldn’t be tackled.  If only females enjoyed this game too, it would go down in the books as another possible candidate for the greatest sports game EVER.

1. Mike Tyson’s Punch Out: I don’t know how I keep getting so lucky.  We’ve done three depth charts, and I’ve been fortunate enough to cover all three #1s.  I’m not sure if Nintendo could have predicted the overwhelming success of this game.  Their plan was genius nonetheless because they took a certifiably insane boxing quasi-legend and framed an entire game around earning the right to beat him in his own ring.  If that weren’t enough, the creators over at Nintendo made sure to make the field of competitors as generically multicultural as possible.  Skinny, shifty Spaniard? Si (Don Flamenco).  Nazi-inspired Kraut? Ja (Von Kaiser).  Turban topped Middle Easterner? Han Ji (Great Tiger).  Sour puss wearing Asian? Hai (Piston Honda).  Angry black guy? Yeah, man (Bald Bull).  The gameplay is fantastic, the opponents are beatable, and the payoff (facing Tyson) is well worth the effort of having to come up through the ranks of the League of Nations.  Quite possibly the greatest video game ever.

Little Mac packs a mean one-two combo.

Brian: Matt Hasselbeck – Overrated.  In every fantasy draft I’ve ever been involved with, someone has taken this average Joe to a chorus of, “Great picks!” or “If he stays healthy, he’s a real sleeper!”  While I’m not one of these naïve fans who equates everything that happens in the fantasy realm of the NFL to the real deal or vice versa, I just can’t understand what people get so giddy about when he or the Seahawks come up in conversation.

"Here ya go Al. I was just kidding when I said I wanted to win this game anyway!"

We’ll just start with the numbers because, to borrow a tired expression, “they don’t lie.”  In eight seasons at the helm of the Seahawks’ offense, Hasselbeck has averaged a very pedestrian 18 TD/ 11 INT. By way of comparison, last year Ravens’ QB Joe Flacco threw for 14 TD against 12 INT and Falcons stud Matt Ryan went for 16 TD/ 11 INT.

And they were both rookies.

Perhaps Hasselbeck gets some sort of pass (hooray, puns!) because he plays in Seattle and in a division that success forgot.  Perhaps people look to a blown call in Super Bowl XL (no way big Ben scored on that play) as the reason Hasselbeck hasn’t cemented himself among the league’s elite signal callers.

Or perhaps he just isn’t that good.

As a staunch believer in all things karma, I would argue that Hasselbeck sealed his fate in 2004 when, in a Wild Card game against the Packers at Lambeau, he won the overtime coin flip and exclaimed, in an all too pre-pubescent voice, “We’ll take ball and we’re going to score!” Well, that sort of came true as Hasselbeck threw a pinpoint accurate pass to Packers’ CB Al Harris who took it to the house.  Ultimately, Hasselbeck was in on the scoring, so maybe he’s smarter than I thought.

And with that bold prediction and ensuing karmic kick in the cajones, the NFL had its own historic member of the all-Hubris team.

Let’s face it—nothing worthy has come out of Seattle since grunge.  And while Hasselbeck is certainly a serviceable quarterback in the NFL, such a distinction is not all that different from admitting the girl you’re dating has a sparkling personality as you hide out in poorly lit coffeehouses to avoid admitting what you both already know.  She’ll never be the one.

Dave: Kerry Collins – Underrated.  The Tennessee Titans QB made a name for himself at Penn State, where he set records for total offense, completions, passing yardage, completion percentage, yards per attempt, and passing efficiency.  Collins was the first pick ever for the Carolina Panthers, then an expansion team in the 1995 season.  Collins’ career has been a roller coaster ever since.  In only his second season, he led the Panthers to a NFC Conference Championship game, but had a horrible season in ’97.  He was released in 1998, and was widely thought of as an alcoholic (since, let’s face it, he was) by the NFL.

"I may have a had a few chardonnays before this game, what of it? Hey, I still got this team to the Super Bowl, so I deserve a few drinks for that."

Collins bounced back though, taking the NY Giants to a Super Bowl in the 2000 season, where Collins struggled against the Ravens’ defense (but really every team did that year; the Ravens certainly weren’t in the Super Bowl because of their offense).  In 2004, Collins was released yet again, and then signed by the Raiders where his career was pronounced dead.  He showed a little life, but was cut in 2006 with a 7-21 overall record at Oakland, despite the fact that he himself had some success.  Collins threw for 3,700+ yards that year, and had 20 TD’s.  The Raiders were just so bad, they needed a scapegoat and a drunken Collins filled that void.

Then came the 2006 season, when Collins was signed as the backup to Tennessee’s newly drafted “Franchise QB” Vince Young.  In 2007, Collins took over for an injured Vince Young and never looked back.  Kerry once again resurrected his career as he led the Titans to a 13-3 season and a playoff berth.  He returned to the Pro Bowl that year and now is the clear-cut starter at Tennessee.  The common theme here is that Kerry Collins, for as bad as people say he is, is good.  He has no ring, but how many times has this guy been written off only to battle back to prove people wrong? How many seasons has this guy saved for teams? How many coaches’ jobs has he saved?  The guy obviously deserves a hell of a lot of more credit than he gets.

Sieck: Eli Manning – Overrated.  OK, I know that he actually pronounces his name. “E-lie,” but it’s just too easy to get caught up in either confusion or disrespect and pronounce it “Elly,” and that ladies and gentlemen is a girl’s name. Of course, having a girl’s name is never a good thing for a starting NFL quarterback to have. Just ask the aforementioned Kerry Collins… but I digress. Anyway, after inexplicably announcing a refusal to play for the San Diego Chargers if he was to be drafted by them, San Diego did so anyway and worked out a deal with the New York Giants to trade the prima donna there in exchange for Philip Rivers and draft picks that turned out to be linebacker Shawne Merriman and kicker Nate Kaeding. (WHAT? SERIOUSLY?) I think it’s safe to say that San Diego made out on the deal, as “Elly” has been the picture of inconsistency so far over his NFL career.

"Yeah! $97.5 mil says I’m incredibly average! Peyton who?"

Is he a decent game manager? Sure, but there are plenty of guys a team can get to do that. Of course, this didn’t stop the G-men from recently giving Manning a six-year, $97.5 million contract extension that will make him the highest-paid player in the league, overall… yeah, I’m still scratching my head over this one, as well. Why would the Giants do this? The only reason I can possibly come up with is that he managed to complete a desperation pass to David Tyree (that he miraculously caught against his helmet) late in the fourth quarter to keep the drive alive in Super Bowl XLII that eventually set up the win. Incidentally, for Tyree’s efforts, instead of getting a lucrative contract extension, he was recently released. OK, I know you can’t really compare the two, but this contract is worthy of a top-five QB. Manning isn’t even in the top ten. He may not even crack the top fifteen. Seriously, I think one could probably count his 300-yard games on one hand, and even in 2005 when he finished in the top five in touchdowns and passing yards, he only managed to barely complete half his passes, at 52.8%.

He continually struggles during the second half of the season when the games really matter, and regardless of the Super Bowl performance, never seems to have the eye of the tiger when the game is on the line. His career QB rating is a very average 76.1 with a 98-74 TD/INT ratio. I’m sure Tom Brady, Drew Brees and even his loving brother Peyton break dishes at home when they realize they don’t make as much money as this goober. Of course, having said that, I was forced to take this slow adult as my backup QB in fantasy this year, and I’m hoping the underwhelming signal caller can put up big numbers on Week 5 against the Raiders during Aaron Rodgers’ bye week. Go Big Blue!

The new #7 for the Eagles has become the most polarizing figure in the country.

Though we are already four days into the Michael Vick era in Philly, the almostathletes held a Mound Visit over the weekend to discuss the much maligned former QB’s signing.

Sieck: OK, well I’m eager to hear both of your thoughts on this. It seems that plenty of people are up in arms about this. Dare I go as far to say that they have their panties in a bunch. I could go on with clichés all day, but here’s the thing: I’ve previously stated that I don’t have any problem with Vick getting a job in the NFL… BUT NOT THE EAGLES. It seems lost on everyone that 1) we don’t need a QB, and 2) this guy IS NOT that good. People talk about this guy’s ability like he’s Joe Montana or something. I don’t get the move at all.

Dave: They make it because he is a proven QB, without any championships, but he can play the position better than any backup currently on their roster and because he adds more versatility to a lackluster offense that Reid has been pushing out there since he took over the play-calling.  While I don’t think the “Wildcat” will work (pro defenses are too good to have an option-esque type of offense work for more than one year, so the element of surprise is gone) he definitely adds another weapon that opposing defenses have to worry about it.

Brian: Despite the perpective from which I approach the signing (purely football or purely societal), there is no conceivable reason for this move. I suppose fans of Vick are still replaying that sick run against the Vikes, which has become the signature Vick highlight, in their minds, but what they’re forgetting is that he was a horrendous quarterback.  I’m not going to dispute his athleticism, but after several references (by Lurie, Reid, and Vick himself) to Vick being brought in as a QB, I can only assume that he and the Eagles’ brass expect him to be just that.  I can’t count the number of Vick jokes I used and heard when he was completing 53% of his passes in 2006. If Donovan were completing that paltry percentage, he’d have been out of here six years ago.

Dave: He was never that good of a QB, but he is better than A.J. Feeley or an injured Kevin Kolb.  I don’t see why they signed him either, but he does fit here.  He can backup McNabb and be a threat to run, or pass, while he is on the field.  Imagine  playing defense against the Eagles and seeing DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, Brian Westbrook, Donovan McNabb, and Michael Vick all in the formation?  And, while there has been no talk of it at Eagles camp, imagine if they use him to return kicks and punts? If he shows he can catch a ball, and do it in traffic, the Eagles will have one heck of a receiving corps.

Sieck: OK, they’re going to sign/bring a guy in for trick plays? Ridiculous. If I hear the word “wildcat” one more time, I’m going to vomit on my flip flops. I know Kolb went down, but they can stick with Feeley as the backup. McNabb is fine, I know he has his detractors (including someone on this esteemed site) but he’s still a top 10 signal caller in the league. The offense is fine.

Brian: From a societal perspective, this move smacks of desperation. Now that the Phils have (finally) removed the Birds from atop the city’s four-sport pedestal, Lurie is panicking big time, and frankly, I find it kind of

This expression doubled as Lurie's "I-can't-believe-the-Phils-have-supplanted-us" and "You-want-me-to-sign-who?" face.

amusing.  Let’s forget his totally absurd “gold standard” reference to his team, a team that still has exactly as many Super Bowl rings as the almostathletes, and focus on his adamant stance on bringing in character people.  Warren Sapp was passed over because he liked to toke weed, something an alarming amount of people seem to have forgotten about Vick’s past, and TO was labeled a cancer almost immediately after the Super Bowl loss.  If these guys can’t play in the Eagles philosophical sandbox, how can they possible justify bringing in a convicted felon, drug user, and purported STD transmitter (Ron Mexico)?

Sieck: First, I think the notion of using him as a  receiver is silly. I don’t think he’s built for it, and I really don’t think he has any desire to play the position.  And yes, Brian, I totally agree with you that Lurie’s stance of bringing in “quality” individuals and then bringing in Vick is completely hypocritical. It’s a joke. After all, hurting dogs is way worse than smoking the pot. However, I do have to say this about the dog thing: I’m a big dog person and don’t for one second excuse Vick’s behavior, but Vick shouldn’t be on the team because he stinks, not because he committed a horrid offense. Look, there are all kinds of scumbags in the NFL that are probably also doing awful things, but they get a pass because they have talent or they haven’t been caught yet. Perhaps Vick’s biggest crime is getting caught. However, having said that, I’m certainly not looking forward to the protesters lining up at the Linc this year.

Dave: For the Eagles, it fits psychologically too.  Think about it, Tony Dungy’s oldest son kills himself, so when Dungy retires he finds a project, a wayward soul who needs the kind of guidance a father can provide.  So Dungy is on board and all about “second chances.”  But what team will give him that? How about the Eagles with head coach Andy Reid and his army of dysfunctional sons?  If anyone thinks someone like Vick – backed by the prestigious Dungy – deserves a second chance, Andy does.  He has been in court with his kids almost as many times as he has been on the sidelines coaching football.

Everyone needs a hobby in retirement, right, Tony?

Brian: I found the whole Dungy angle self-serving and bizarre.  However, I’ll give you one guess as to who the next Birds’ head coach is. And I’ve been saying this all weekend; this is not Vick’s second chance.  He’s been in trouble before, so unless we only categorize chances based on some sort of felony being attached to them, he’s on chance three or four by my count.

One other enormous public relations nightmare is giving Vick Jaws’ #7.  Now we all know Jaws isn’t a Hall of Fame QB, but he represents the polar opposite of all things Vick.  He’s a standup member of the community, he has parlayed his playing days into a posh analyst’s job, and he, predictably, has stayed out of the conversation despite the fact that his number has been denigrated.  I know some people don’t think there’s much to a number, but any athlete will tell you that there is something to the ownership of a number, something that should remain sacred.

Sieck: Well, I’ll abstain from comment on Jaws, because I don’t like him. I’ve had two encounters with the “standup member of the community” and neither went well. I’ll leave it at that. In other news, have you guys heard that the Birds just signed O.J. Simpson to be their running backs coach? I think their next move is going to be to resurrect Hitler and give him the GM job.

Finally, people need to be more thoughtful about this. What do they really expect Vick to do? He’s a football player. Do folks really expect him to go get a job at Dairy Queen or something? He’s going to play; I just wish it were somewhere else. As long as he straightens up and flies right, it’s unrealistic to expect him not to play.

Vick may bring publicity and outrage, but he's not bringing a Super Bowl ring.

Because the Almostathletes are proud to be on the cutting edge of all things trendy, we’ll bring our readers an All Hail section every month, which will celebrate collectively what we all love individually.  As always, we welcome your input for future All Hails and thank you for being an Almost reader.

The Sundress: The course of human history boasts very few truly iconic developments, advancements, or innovations worthy of doctoral dissertations, Nobel Peace Prizes or text book publication.

"Go ahead guys. I’m wearing this because I want you to look.”

Sure, there’s penicillin, nuclear physics, and the internet, but each of those landmark inventions has sort of receded into the background of their respective fields without the fanfare they once enjoyed at their inception.  Well, my friends, the same cannot be said for the greatest fashion development of the last 60 years—the sundress.  Popularized by socialite Lilly Pulitzer (surname coincidence? I think not) in the 1960s, the sundress revolutionized chic femininity (for the gals) and casual looks askance (for the fellas) in one fell swoop. No other fashion statement has ever been met with less controversy, less negativity, or less to the imagination than that which comes with the sundress. In short, everyone loves the sundress.

The perfection and generational transcendence of the sundress is no mystery. For women, the sundress provides an air of confidence, exudes a classy sexiness, and allows for compliments that are more genuinely expressed than women would receive should they be wearing, say, “daisy dukes.”  Worn to a cocktail party, a wedding shower, or a Bat Mitzvah, the dress’ versatility cannot be rivaled by anything else in the collective female closet. Ah, but for the men, the dress is emblematic of so much more. Because of designers’ insistence on making the dress form fitting, ogle-happy men everywhere need only a sly glance to see what kind of figure is underneath the dress.  Moreover, the dress speaks to a more refined wearer, and, as far as I’m concerned, such sophistication is far more sexy than short shorts, thong exposure, or even a close sundress rival, the halter top.

So, ladies, keep slipping those paper thin dresses over yourselves on your way to Starbucks, the ballpark, or the beach because behind every good sundress is a man willing to look at it.

“Yes, I’m already young and attractive, but wearing this hat will make Sieck like me.”

Chicks Who Wear Hats: Joe Cocker said it best in the song written by Randy Newman that was made popular in the film “9 ½ Weeks,” when he simply stated, “You can leave your hat on.” Granted, not every woman can pull it off, but there’s an almost one hundred percent chance that if a female dons a hat between the ages of eighteen and forty-five, then she is most likely incredibly hot. I don’t think I have ever seen this theory disproven in my short lifetime. I don’t care what kind of hat it is, either. It could be a cowboy hat, baseball cap, top hat, derby, ski cap, fedora, beanie, or even a Carmen Miranda fruit hat, it doesn’t matter. There’s just something about a girl who decides to throw on a lid as a part of her ensemble that just exudes confidence and sex appeal.

If anyone is looking for empirical cinematic proof, just take a look at Lena Olin’s routine in The Unbearable Lightness of Being. That should be proof enough, but any self-respecting man shouldn’t even need film examples. Sure, I’ll bet it’s something that often goes unnoticed, but guys should pay special attention the next time they’re out and about, because hot ladies in caps are everywhere. I could cite numerous more personal examples such as experiences at concerts, strip clubs, porn conventions, or even a local baseball game, but suffice it to say that I’m ready to exclaim, “All hail the fine females in hats, because despite the rather daring fashion maneuver, it’s working for all of them.”

Booty shorts: These comfortable, yet elegant, bottoms separate the women from the girls.  How could you go wrong with something that started out as lace underwear?  Whether worn under a short dress, with a football jersey, or a tank top, booty shorts are as close to naked as a female can get without actually leaving her house with no pants on. Casual enough to wear to a ball game, comfortable enough to wear to the gym, and yet still classy enough to wear to a club – the booty shorts defy all the rules of fashion.

Very nice...

In all different materials and colors, the booty shorts leave absolutely nothing to the imagination (especially in a color other than black).  Although made famous by women like Vida Guerra and Kim Kardashian, your everyday Sarah-plain-and-tall looks like she is straight out of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue when sporting this look.  Still unsure about just how good booty shorts are?  Check out this scene from the movie Death Proof – and that’s booty shorts in their “conservative” khaki form.  Imagine if that had been in its more seductive, lace format…WOW. In short, when a female has the option to wear out in public what she has just worn to bed the night before – well that’s just fantastic in our book.

This week’s depth chart is meant as a companion to our original Top 10 Sports Films of all time. However, we do admit that many of these titles weren’t chosen for their quality as much as for a loose connection to sports and a high “watchability” quotient. Therefore, the almostathletes are proud to present our Top 10 Offbeat Sports Films. Enjoy.

BENCH PLAYERS

10. The Program (1993):  Honestly, this movie requires no write-up; it’s just plain awesome in the worst way.  First, the original opening scene, which shows a couple of the football players “living on the edge” as they lay in front of on-coming traffic, was yanked (because kids tried doing that in real life), so you know this film has potential.  The movie starts with QB Joe Kane failing to complete a game-winning TD pass in what appears to be a monsoon.  That’s impossible; no game would go on in those conditions.

Kane is able!

Then, Kane turns to alcohol (that’s the family tradition apparently), which lands him in rehab during his junior, Heisman-hopeful campaign.  And we can’t leave out Lattimer, who uses steroids until he goes on a roid-rage and attempts to rape the smallest girl ever.  The most disturbing thing about this movie is the lack of conference identification.  What conference are the ESU Timberwolves in? They play Iowa, Michigan, Mississippi State, and Georgia Tech, and then can still win a conference championship?  Bottom line…Booze, sex, rehab, cheating, money, and college football…sounds like a recipe for success in our eyes.

9. Necessary Roughness (1991):  Let’s throw out some names here: Scott Bakula, Hector Elizondo, a young and up-and-coming Jason Batemen, Sinbad, Rob Schneider and, of course, Kathy Ireland…how could this not be a good movie?  The Texas State University Fightin’ Armadillos, on the verge of having their football program scrapped, call on Paul Blake – quarterback legend – to save them.  Blake, 16 years removed from football, has to win with a rag-tag team that includes a female kicker (Ireland).

8. Side Out (1990): Who could ever forget the brilliant performances of Monroe Clark and Zack Barnes (played by C. Thomas Howell and Peter Horton, respectively) as they compete to be Kings of the Beach in this unsung, albeit silly, classic? Anyone out there who thinks that a movie about beach volleyball couldn’t possibly be fun doesn’t deserve to read this blog and should probably be smacked with a flip-flop. Anyway, there was a time when this sport was somewhat hot, and this was the film that was supposed to cash in on the hype. It didn’t work, but still, with a supporting cast including Tony Burton (you know, the guy who played Apollo and Rocky’s trainer in all the Rocky films) and Terry Kiser (you know, Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s), how could it go wrong? People will be stunned to see Kiser playing anything but dead. Revisiting this gem will undoubtedly have everyone spiking their remotes into the set. It’s also worth mentioning that Barnes and Clark’s adversaries were played by none other than real Kings of the Beach at the time (and probably the most popular volleyball players ever) Sinjin Smith and Randy Stoklos.

7. Airborne (1993)—First of all, it’s worth noting that Dave and I basically had to arm-wrestle each other for the right to cover this film. I mean where to begin? The film is set in Cincinnati, Ohio where young Mitch Goosen has just landed, fish-out-of-water style, from southern California.

I got a real problem with you, bra...

An avid surfer, rollerblader, and wordsmith (he prefers using ‘bra’ instead of ‘bro’), Mitch is forced to live and learn with his nerdy cousin, Wiley, played awfully by Seth Green, while trying to navigate through his new school, replete with a mistrustful and territorial mob of, you guessed it, rollerblading hockey players, one of whom is played by a young but still fat and talentless Jack Black.  Just when the acrimony reaches a fevered pitch after Mitch has the audacity to date the head hockey player’s sister, the skating Montagues and Capulets are forced to put their blades together in an asinine competition with a neighboring school down a treacherous, but clearly displaced, hill for the right to brag about…well, living, I guess.  These guys deservingly “shred” their way to number 7 on our list.

THE SIXTH MAN

6. Varsity Blues (1999):  This movie is an easy choice.  First, everyone at AlmostAthletes.com loves this movie – but let us break it down.  First, after Billy Bob falls to the ground and pretty much has an aneurism, he goes to the nurse’s office and just sleeps it off? And then practices the same day? And before a game nonetheless?  Second, after Wendall Brown BLOWS HIS HAMSTRING, West Canaan Coyotes head coach Bud Kilmer tries to get him to take a cortisone shot for it? What?

One of the greatest scenes ever!

His hamstring is torn, how would cortisone help?  Not to mention, the team tries to fight him, and then he attacks his QB Jonathon “Mox” Moxon, after he benches him.  However, until this point, one could say, “Hey, it’s a movie that’s why!” – So here we go.  After Kilmer quits in the second half, the team plays without him and goes on to win?!? What? No one questioned why the injured 1^st-string QB was calling the plays? No offensive coordinator? No defensive coordinator? Or QB’s coach? Or any type of coach whatsoever?  And how does the opposing team or officials not notice this? They are just cool with a high school kid coaching a team that is fresh off a mutiny?  With more questions than answers, Varsity Blues cements itself in the middle of our list.

THE STARTING FIVE

5. White Men Can’t Jump (1992): At the behest of several almost readers, we had to include this biracial bro-mance film on our list. Again, as is the case with so many films from the 90s, the premise is downright silly.

Who woudn't want to dress this like?

Let me get this straight: Two basketball hustlers take over southern California in a far-reaching two-on-two revolving door tournament that goes totally unpoliced for months. Throw in a Woody Harrelson mob snafu, an obsessive Rosie Perez cramming for her shot at glory on Jeopardy, and Wesley Snipes (before all that pesky tax evasion nonsense) dressed like this throughout the movie and we defy anyone to question its placement at #5 on our list.

4. Over the Top (1987): “Winner takes it all, ‘til he breaks the fall, in time he’ll make it over the top.” The thunderous words of Sammy Hagar boom through this Sly Stallone film about World Championship Arm-Wrestling. Who knew that the preferred sport of truckers was trying to rip one another’s arms off in a regulated competition showcased on ESPN? What a hilarious premise! Stallone plays Lincoln Hawk (one of the best character names in film history) as the underdog arm-grappler, and the box cover of this guilty pleasure actually reads, “Rocky, Rambo, Cobra, and now Hawk, in the biggest fight of his life.” It’s all just too much to take, and while we could go on about this ridiculous film all day, suffice it to state that while there’s no way Sly would ever win a match against the Bull Hurley character (a huge and real arm wrestler), Over the Top is packed with classic moments. Furthermore, any guy who has never used the patented “over the top” method of swinging the index and middle fingers over the thumb to gain leverage in an arm-wrestling match should be stripped of his man-card.

3. Teen Wolf (1985)–What do you think director Rob Daniel was thinking when he put this together? I hope I make enough to move out of my studio apartment? Who won’t love this heartwarming tale of redemption? How can I work the word ‘boof’ into my film? Whatever the brainstorm, the result is pure magic. Teen Wolf really is a smorgasbord of teen angst rolled into 91 minutes—unrequited love, the girl next door, teenaged hierarchy, seven minutes in heaven, hoop dreams, and, of course, werewolfism.

It's just your friendly neighborhood werewolf who loves to party and shoot hoops.

However, there are two more reasons to love this movie. First, during an alcohol induced conversation at the old Top Dog years ago, our crew actually cast the whole film using only our friends and girlfriends and then made plans to perform it at the Dell in Haddon Heights. How many movies can you say that about? Second, and more importantly, check out this clip of the final game and keep score. That’s right, I did.

2. The Karate Kid (1984): “Put him in a body bag,” “Sweep the leg,” the list goes on and on. This fun and actually heartwarming tale about Daniel Larusso (Ralph Macchio) standing up to high school bullies through the use of the martial arts, with the aid of wise old Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) is a true classic (admittedly unlike some of the other films on this list). We would actually be willing to travel the globe and personally crane kick anyone who says differently. No one will ever be able to forget the Cobra Kai, Mr. Miyagi’s bizarre training methods, Ali Mills (Elisabeth Shue), the soundtrack (who doesn’t think of this film when they hear Bananarama’s “Cruel Summer?”), and of  course, the aforementioned crane technique. “If used properly, no can defense.” Again, any man between the ages of 25 and 40 who never used this awe-inspiring move is obviously an enormous sissy.

1. Caddyshack (1980)—I’m not sure there could be any debate on this one. What makes this farce so beloved is a flawless recipe of its infinite quote-ability (Cinderella story…outta nowhere…a former groundskeeper, now, about to become…the Masters Champion…It’s in the hole!), its inclusion of a wily gopher wreaking havoc on Bushwood Country Club, and its comic Mt. Rushmore (Knight, Chase, Dangerfield, Murray) unrivaled by any other comedy before or since.  However, what makes Caddyshack so transcendent is the fact that guys of all ages can watch the film and think, “this reminds me so much of me and my friends.” Everyone knows a Carl Spackler, wishes they knew a Ty Webb, hates a judge Smails, and pines for a Lacey Underall at some point in their formative years. On the cusp of its 30^th anniversary, the story of a bunch of loveable miscreants running amok at a country club is still as relevant now as it ever was, and so it takes its rightful place atop our depth chart.

Quite possibly Bill Murray's greatest role.

Though the AlmostAthletes take pride in writing our own columns, with a specific flair that sets us apart from each other, sometimes it’s necessary to put our collective heads together to discuss some burning issue of national importance. Our periodic “A Visit to the Mound” segment begins with a look at the unfortunate scenario that has befallen ESPN sideline reporter, Erin Andrews.

ESPN reporter Erin Andrews recently celebrated her 31st birthday this past May, maybe her crew decided to give her the best birthday gift ever...a peephole video.

Dave: The release of a “peeping tom” video that violated the privacy of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews – by exposing her in the nude – has been a touchy subject over the past week and rightfully so.  Andrews, ESPN, and the media are obviously upset with this little “show” and ESPN and their legal team have done everything they possibly can to remove this video from the internet completely…a task that is easier said than done.  In my opinion, this was not only a disturbing act of privacy invasion for Ms. Andrews, but pretty much the end of her career.  This is a woman who has made a living for herself by interviewing professional athletes (mostly men) and college athletes (mostly men), so how could she possibly continue her career after something like this has happened?

Brian: The logistics of this thing are so bizarre. (1) How did this guy figure out that Andrews was there (2) How did he guarantee he’d get a full five minutes of footage from behind a peephole (3) How does the person who filmed this benefit from this other than through self indulgent giggles when he hears or reads about it (4) Doesn’t this create a windfall of copy cats and/or staged facsimiles?

Sieck: Well, people are starting to allege that it was someone at ESPN on her broadcast team. How else would one get that kind of access? The guy benefits because he gets to see Erin Andrews naked. There are a lot of perverts out there. This kind of thing happens all the time. So yes, there undoubtedly will be a ton of “copycats” as you say. I’m guessing he probably also didn’t like her, so maybe a revenge factor? Maybe she wouldn’t hang out with him or laugh at his jokes. Who knows? The guy is a weirdo.  While no one can condone what was done to her, she will have to suck it up, put on her big girl pants, and act like a professional. By the way, she also needs to stop crying because this will be the greatest thing that ever happened to Erin Andrews. I completely didn’t care about her a week ago, and I’m certainly talking about her now.

B: I have to agree with Dave here. I listened to 950 ESPN radio for the past couple of days and every pundit is in agreement that there’s not much she can do from now on. It’s not like she’s Lindsay Lohan and this sort of thing happens on a monthly basis. Her violation won’t lead to better sideline reporting or any sort of advancement at ESPN. I understand that our culture is disturbingly short-sighted (MJ, Manny, etc.) but this is completely foreign territory for Andrews and ESPN whose Disney affiliation makes the sordidness even worse.

S: Even if she can’t continue as a sideline reporter (and we all know this is an extremely important job, probably more than a doctor or judge) she will become a huge star and land something much better. We’re not talking about a politician here guys; it’s Erin Andrews. I can’t wait until the Playboy offers come pouring in. Besides, who’s to say she didn’t put the footage out herself? I can almost guarantee that’s been done before.

D: I have a strong feeling she did not put that out herself for the simple fact that if she wanted to do Playboy, she could just do it.  She didn’t need a video like this “leaked” to get Playboy’s attention to see how attractive she is.  It’s just a shame because she is good at what she does.  She is the most respected female in the sports media business because she is so knowledgeable, talented, and she’s is very, very easy on the eyes.  This video ruins her; no matter who made the video, her career is still over.  There is no way she can go back to sideline reporting, especially with college kids – which she was best at – who have all done nothing but search for this video over the past two weeks.  The other day a story ran in the L.A. Times saying that she and her lawyers expected hits and searches to go down, but all they have done is gone up.  Every time someone gets interviewed it’s going to go something like, “Yea, they blitzed from the weak side, but I just stepped up and found the open receiver and…you look good naked!” and then the kid has a big laugh with the rest of his teammates who are celebrating in the knowledge that they have seen the video too.  Check out this video of USC Trojans LB Rey Maualuga attempting to grind on Andrews, and who knows how often stuff like this happened…and this before college kids got to see her naked.

"Ugh...I wonder how many people in here have seen that video of me..."

B: That’s a good point, Dave. You know most college football players aren’t as devout and respectful as Tim Tebow, and there’s bound to be one who, even if he doesn’t say anything directly, will make a veiled remark or simply eye her up and down while he’s talking to her.  But Sieck’s point is well taken too in that, again, we’re a very forgiving society, so I’m sure she’ll find a way to cash in on this.  I hadn’t heard that she may have leaked it herself but it makes total sense. While she seems approachable and affable on air, I’m sure she’s constantly fending off wackos, interns, athletes, etc. I wonder what kind of jail time this kind of crime would command. I’m sitting here trying to think about what she can do next. Dancing With the Stars? Reality shows? Her own interview show? I just can’t envision a scenario in which she’s holding a phallic microphone in front of Colt McCoy and 60,000 screaming college kids.

S: Yeah, but I’m not just talking about Playboy. She could have leaked it to get EVERYONE’S attention. And you never know, maybe this is her “out” to do whatever she wants. I’m sure there are a bunch of rules and nonsense regulations working for ESPN, let alone the set of rules that come with being a journalist. Maybe she wanted to spread her wings. You never know what is in peoples’ heads. Look, I’m not saying she definitely leaked it, I’m just saying she could make it work for her. And as far as her being good at what she does…I guess that’s fair enough, but I usually go get a beer when they flash to the sideline reporters. And as far as college kids being fresh with her during interviews…I don’t see it happening. If it did, there would be punishment, and part of being a professional reporter is being able to deal with unruly athletes sometimes. She’ll have to suck it up, buttercup.

Because no great sports or pop culture conversation would be complete without lists, rankings, and semi-cogent arguments, the athletes will provide a list periodically.  Each list will be broken down into: the starting five (the final five picks), the sixth man (the on-the-fringe-of-starting pick) and the bench picks (the first four picks which belong but only in a supporting role).  As always, we invite our readers to comment on our selections and to provide ideas for future lists.

BENCH PLAYERS

10. Vision Quest (1985): This is truly an underrated and underappreciated classic about high school athletics (wrestling, to be specific), dedication and growing up. Of course, it’s also hard to argue with a young Linda Fiorentino, and that awesome ‘80s song from Red Rider, Lunatic Fringe. “I know you’re out there.”
 

9.  The Sandlot (1993):  A movie that never gets old, The Sandlot twists youngsters getting into trouble with America’s favorite pastime, baseball.  Hamilton Porter, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez, and our man Michael ‘Squints’ Palledorous – who pulls a brilliant and masterful move to finally make-out with the temptress Wendy Peppercorn – come together to create a funny yet phenomenal plot.

"Squints Palledorous...biggest pimp ever."

How often do you lose a baseball signed by Babe Ruth, battle a dog that appears to be the size of a stegosaurus, and then end up befriending James Earl Jones, only to get a better ball than the one you lost?

8.  The Bad News Bears (1976):  The original one, of course. What could possibly be better than an alcoholic, politically incorrect Walter Matthau reluctantly coaching a bunch of snotty kids on the art of baseball? There’s also actress Tatum O’Neal as a little girl (before all the drug problems), characters such as the foul-mouthed Tanner Boyle, troubled thug Kelly Leak and fat Engelberg. There’s even Vic Morrow as the rival coach (before he got a helicopter dropped on him), a great ending… and beer.

7.  Miracle (2004): A prerequisite for any great sports film is its ability to captivate audiences despite the fact that they know what is going to happen. It what many will argue is Kurt Russell’s finest (only?) good role, Miracle respects the integrity of the sport by casting guys who can actually skate, pass, and shoot while allowing viewers to relive the greatest upset in sports history. Even in the final seconds, during Al Michaels’ now immortal call, watching this film does make us believe in miracles.

6TH MAN

6.  Rocky (1976): We almost left this one off the list because it’s more of a character study than a movie about the sport. However, when all is said and done, it’s the best boxing movie ever. Burgess Meredith as the feisty old trainer is tops, and no one can deny the story of the big, dumb Italian Stallion making good. Also, any man under the age of thirty-five who says he never pretended to be Rocky when he was little should be kicked in the ding ding. Besides, look at where it was shot. Philadelphia represent!

STARTING FIVE

5.  Field of Dreams (1989): Combining elements of sci-fi (time travel), the supernatural (ghost-led pick up games), and bromance (Costner and Jones), Field of Dreams cracks our top five not for the aforementioned mutli-genre approach to storytelling but for its honesty, at the core, in portraying the ultimate father-son narrative.

4.  Major League (1989):  Any movie that has a drunken, has-been catcher in Jake Taylor, a cocky speedster in Willy Mays Hayes, the “Wild Thing” Rick Vaughn, and a Cuban who belts anything but a curveball (until he tells off Jo-buu) out of the yard in Pedro Cerrano, who all come together to win a pennant…it’s a winner in our book.  Not to mention Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle who pretty much makes this movie.  When Mayes-Hays has his first AB and hits a slow roller to second and Harry Doyle calls it, “HOT SHOT toward the hole. Rudia knocks it down, gets up, fires to first. Too late! Hayes beats it! Give Rudia credit for that one, he’s got a family to think about.” No matter how many times we see it, it’s still hilarious.

3.  Slap Shot (1977): Comedy or not, it’s simply the best movie ever made about hockey, period. The Charlestown Chiefs are a goon squad that will forever live in the infamy of hockey lore.

"Can we put on the foil, coach?"

This film was made back when the world wasn’t so politically correct and R-rated films didn’t have to spend half the movie apologizing for their behavior. As far as the Hanson Brothers go, we wish they could be in every movie. We don’t care. Schindler’s List starring the Hanson Brothers, Sophie’s Choice starring the Hanson Brothers…

2.  Rudy (1993): A timeless classic that you have to be a fan of, even if you hate Notre Dame.  This movie is still used today to remind kids that no matter how bad you are, hard-work, determination, and heart (as well as having the entire team quit unless you get a chance to suit up) will always pay off in the end.  Plus, this movie showcased Vince Vaughn – as the wayward Jamie O’Hara, “You just summed up your entire sorry career here, in one sentence!” – and Jon Favreau, Rudy’s beloved friend D-Bob, in their greatest roles EVER.

1.  Hoosiers (1986): The high school basketball classic takes the taco at the top of the almost greatest sports films of all time.  Gene Hackman is stellar in his turn as coach Norman Dale, a man whose past is in constant competition with his present.  Clean, relevant, and largely accurate, Hoosiers dares you to watch without rooting for Hickory and to finish watching without tearing up.

“I love you guys.”